Screw All But Six

January 16, 2023

This writing is extracted from Larry's book: Something is Rotten in America - Writings of  a sane man in an insane world.

It is a satirical writing expressing Larry's unflattering opinion of how President Obama viewed himself August 26, 2014, the date Larry wrote the article.

Photo Source Unknown

Keep Six for Pallbearers 

I've had it with all you people, even those of you I thought were my friends. You might know me personally or have heard of me. I am king of the United States of America. My official name is Barack Huessin Obama II but many people call me Barry Soetoro by coupling my nickname and my step-father's last name.


I really prefer King Barack Hussein Obama II. King is a power-sounding name – ah power - something I dearly love.


But it doesn't work here in the US of A. These people don't understand that I know what is best for them. I always have. I sometimes wonder why they put me in the Oval Office because they only want what they want. Of all things, they really believe that stuff about a country of, by and for the people. They seem to think the U.S. Constitution is some kind of an inflexible document for guiding the country. Well, by Jessy Crist I'll show them on both counts. I've got a pen and a phone, you know.


Because of my promise to use my pen and phone,1 people say I'm arrogant and led to one senator telling me right to my face just the other day I will die in obscurity. Well, poo on him. What does he know? He's just a conservative Republican anyway.


People don't like me because I'm friendly with Al Sharpton, also a man people don't like because he stirs the pot without good reason. Do you remember Tawana Brawley? Brother Al paid dearly 2 for that mess even though he conned others to pay the judgement for him. Whew, what a man! Yes sirree, Al is my man for inflaming racial relations. That's why I sent him to Ferguson 3  to do my work without me getting my hands dirty.


People are always criticizing me for the excessive travel of my family and me. Well, la di da! I'm not the only person who knows a good thing. I know about a man in Phoenixa who did the same before his employer, an airline, fired him. He, his wife and daughter traveled every weekend all over the country courtesy of the company policy that allowed employees and their immediate family members free travel. His travel was no different from mine except mine is at taxpayer expense.  Big deal!


Sure, I take advantage of the people's policy that allows my family and I to travel free of charge but it seems OK to me. After all, I am the king.


It's true I don't like my job and admittedly it shows. That's why I avoid people other than celebrities.b Still, the job has many perks I do like. Perks of vacations up the wazoo, golf ad nauseam, getting out of Dodge when annoying problems crop up – problems like Benghazi, ISIS, granting amnesty to everybody coming to the country illegally and damn near anything and everything else. It doesn't bother me at all that it cost $228,288 4 per hour to use the people's plane knowing that is more money than most people earn in 5 years and more than the cost of many houses.


Perhaps the greatest thing ever to happen to me personally was receiving the Nobel Peace Prize. Hell, I didn't earn it then and I haven't since. Still, I like the award because it makes me feel comfy. It is, you know, fitting for a king. I secretly believe I got the prize only because I'm black in color, not because I am the best person.


To tell the truth, my color – not because I'm the best person for the job – is the only reason I was put in the White House. Not once but twice. Telling one lie after another helped too. Mr. Romney nailed me to the wall on so many things and it turned out he was correct. I fooled the voters again anyway. I'm proud to say my expertise is bullshitting. I'm so good at bullshitting that I no longer need a teleprompter.


Many, many people tell me the people only voted for me to make history. Well, they did but they don't fully understand the reason. Some suspect but not many. I am, you see, the first person sent to the Oval Office who isn't a legal citizen. I was born in Kenya, a place where I long to be and someday I'll go back. Eat your hearts out, you fools.


People ask me about my biggest regret. That's easy: failure to bring the 2016 Summer Olympics to Chicago. What an embarrassment! It happened on the world stage too. That's not supposed to happen to kings. Anyway, I got another free trip – this one to Copenhagen – from the public trough. So there, people.


You know what tees – pun intended – me off now? That article titled, The Golf Address,5 that some smart-ass marine wrote (wait, not marine but Maureen. I get confused a lot) about me playing golf so much. In addition, I don't like it that Cornel West 6 called me a counterfeit, a brown-faced Clinton and another opportunist. A counterfeit, he says. Well, I've got a finger boldly and proudly high in the air for his viewing pleasure.


I don't like that Maureen woman or the West guy to tell you the truth. No sirree. I don't like them one bit. I deserve better than putting up with them and their ilk.


I don't like the snide smart-asses who call me the Father of Transparencyc either. They should have to walk a mile in my golf moccasins.


Worse is how my own people talk about me. Fewer and fewer Democrats stand by me now than in the old days. Get this: Illinois Democratic Rep. Luis Gutierrez 7 is spreading the word I'm going to legalize some 5 million undocumented immigrants. What he says is true but he doesn't have to blab it to the media. Here we go again. Now everybody will be outraged because I don't follow the rule of law. I wish he had waited until I had done did the deed and popped the story to the media late on Friday afternoon, as we all do with all unpopular news.


I don't know why I get so pissed about these people who can't hold a candle to me, your first king. It must have something to do with my perceived – key word, perceived – incompetence.

Well, I got what I want: prestige, fame, glory. Now that you dopey people erroneously believe you don't need me, I don't need you either.


One more thing before I forget. I really don't care what people write about me. Even if I could run for another term, their arrows wouldn't pierce my armor because people who vote for me can't read. Our members of congress can read but don't as we learned when they graciously passed the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act.


Yeah, I know the name is an oxymoron, an oxymoron on two counts – protection and affordable.


I could go on and on complaining but that isn't my style. I have a reputation back home to protect. And, I have work to do here for the people's business.


By the way, screw those six too. I don't need them. Cremate me with no ceremony and ship me back to Kenya.


Cheers y'all.





1 Obama's pen-and-phone strategy

2Sharpton's Debt in Brawley Defamation Is Paid by Supporters
5 The Golf Address (Abbreviated online. Must order the print version to read in full.)

a A reference to the author who worked for the now defunct America West Airlines until the airline filed for bankruptcy in 1992.
b The Media frequently reported Obama with celebrities. 
c Refers to the title of one of my books. Obama claimed "My Administration is committed to creating an unprecedented level of openness in Government" on his first day in office.
Transparency and Open Government